Raising a Responsible Teen

While browsing through recent posts at http://www.thebeanblog.com/ recently, I stumbled upon a post from 7/24/10 entitled “Taking Responsibility.” It is about the author’s 15 year old son who recognized a missed opportunity to do the right thing and admitted as much, even after being absolved of guilt. Take a minute and read about what happened, then come back.

In order for a 15 year old to dig down deep and assume responsibility for his actions (or in this case, his inactions) I believe it is a safe to assume that his parents laid the groundwork for that to happen. The school setting is ripe with situations that enable children to learn to take responsibility for their actions. Parents, please don’t let these learning opportunities pass your child by.

Before a child can feel responsible for his actions, he needs to know that he and he alone controls those actions. As a parent, your teachable moment has arrived when you hear your child say, “Joey got me in trouble.” Or “It wasn’t my fault. He made me do it.” This commonly occurs when a young student has been spoken to by the teacher for talking when he should have been listening. For a child who was actually talking, the cause and effect is clear, but what if your child never said a word yet still receives a reprimand? Before you call the school to proclaim your child’s innocence, consider whether he may have engaged in passive misbehavior.


While a classmate is talking, if your child is making eye contact, smiling or nodding, then he is providing an audience for the speaker. He is participating in a conversation, and you can help him to realize how he was responsible for encouraging the speaker to continue. When you explain it this way, this is pretty easy for a child to understand, yet it can be a difficult behavior for your child to change. Here’s why:


“Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

For years you’ve been teaching your little one that when someone speaks to him, it is polite to make eye contact to show that he is listening. Nodding, smiling and an occasional “mm-hmm” are also signs of a good listener. It is extremely rude to turn your back on someone who is talking to you, however in a classroom when the teacher is teaching a lesson, reading aloud, or giving directions, a child should turn away from a friend who wants to chat. Teach your child to give a quick, silent signal (lock eyes with the speaker, shake his head no, finger to his lips) before turning away, and remind him that this doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be friends with his chatty classmate anymore. It just means, not now.

“Make good choices.”

Certainly, a few whispers and giggles during kindergarten circle time are not the worst thing in the world. But don’t lose sight of the larger issue. You don’t want your child to just go along when a friend is doing the wrong thing, and then blame that friend when they both get in trouble. Instead, you want him to recognize when a friend is making a poor choice and turn away. It may be painful for you and for your child to let this unfold, but let him accept the consequences of his actions now, when the stakes are low.

The adults can fix this, but…

If this happens more than a few times and your child arrives home upset over having received a time out at school, you may be inclined to ask the teacher to separate your child from this chatty friend. This is no favor to your child. If you step in to fix this problem, you will deny your child the opportunity to learn that he has choices and it will benefit him to make the right one.


Take the long view.

Please allow your child to learn this lesson and learn it well, even if it hurts a little. Right now he needs to say no to chatting during circle time. Before long he’ll need to disentangle himself from a friend who asks for an answer on a math test, offers him drugs, or thinks it will be fun to throw water bottles out a dorm window.


Cielle



Next post...
Raising a Responsible Teen, Part 2
Forgotten homework on the kitchen table. Should you deliver it?